“I haven’t any right to criticize books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them.”

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he’s crooked.

My books are water; those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water.

Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

Loyalty to country always. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man’s.

You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.