You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER






