Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER