If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER