You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERThey just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERWe Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER