My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLERI don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLERI love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER