I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLERLife is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER







