It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER