My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLER