… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER