If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER