If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






