I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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self-pity is better than none.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER