I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER






