The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERThey just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERIt would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER