We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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