I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERI always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLER… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERI admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhen I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLER