They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER