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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

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Before Clean Grow House Kid Shovel Snow Stop Up

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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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self-pity is better than none.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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