“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

self-pity is better than none.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

We are deliberately putting a world order before our loyalty to our own country.

One can’t judge till one’s forty; before that we’re too eager, too hard, too cruel, and in addition much too ignorant.

Behind us: the unknown. Before us: the secret.

I loved you long before you loved me. It’s the only thing i have you beat at, and i’ll bring it up every chance i get.

Before then, Britain was pessimistic and the role of government was largely managing Britain in decline.

I cannot even remember a time before being conscious of James Bond.

The words that come direct from the people are the greatest.If you substitute one out of your own vocabulary, it disappears before your eyes.

The psychedelic inner astronaut sees things which no human being has ever seen before, and no other human being will ever see again. But in fact this has no meaning unless it is possible to carry it back into the collectivity.