Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERCleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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self-pity is better than none.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER