Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER