I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER






