I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERHealth – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER