The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER