I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER






