In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERIn most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERI have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERTo get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLERThey just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERI spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER