Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLERAll mothers are working mothers.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER