Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERAll mothers are working mothers.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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self-pity is better than none.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER