When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERComedy is tragedy revisited.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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