I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLERComedy is tragedy revisited.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER