I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERComedy is tragedy revisited.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






