The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER






