The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLER