Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER






