Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERHis finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER