Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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