I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLERAny time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER






