My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERI am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLER