If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER