If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER