I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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self-pity is better than none.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER