I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER