Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLERMaybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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self-pity is better than none.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER






