There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERMaybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER