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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Already Always Eye Garbage Keep Me Rid She Told Try Wife

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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Brown Sie Told Uncle Wear Wish Yellow
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Father Finger Kidnap More Piece Proof Remember Sent Time Want
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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Acting Del Delicate Mask Put Very
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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Ask How Big People Pet Store Work
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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Dog Family Found Look Three Tree
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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Arm Bone Dog Favorite My
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Bartender Plumber Psychiatrist See Seen Told Truth Wife
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Age Food Kitchen Life Mirror Over Tab Taken
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Being Do Draw Men Most Thing Told Wage
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Bath Hate Parent Radio Toast Toy
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Fat Found Look One Only Out People Way
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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Born Doctor Mother Slap Ugly
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Come Drink Go Juice Prune Take Viagra
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Asleep Blind Day Face Kid Library Man One Pimple Plenty Raed Wake
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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Breast Fed Friend Like Me Mover never Only She Told

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