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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Bath Hate Parent Radio Toast Toy

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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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