My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD