Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDSome dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWith me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy mother had morning sickness after I was born.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWe sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDThis morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDIf it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDActing deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDYeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELD