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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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