I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD