I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






