“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

[On dishonest business methods:] … frequently the defender of the practice falls back on the Christian doctrine of charity, and points out that we are erring mortals and must allow for each other’s weaknesses!.

If you want a candidate who is led the fight against Obamacare, who will lift the burdens on small businesses and bring back jobs, I’m the only candidate in the race with that proven record.

Millions of Americans are standing up and saying, ‘We want our country back!’ Republicans, Democrats, Independents, will not go down the path of Greece, we will not go quietly into the night.

I would never turn my back on my fellow citizens.

I had a back-and-forth where I asked Donald Trump, is it true or false that he said the government should pay for everyone’s health care? He said it’s false. Listen, within minutes, we put out a video just contrasting what he said there with video of him just a few months earlier saying exactly the opposite.

My father was a bartender. And the journey from the back of that bar to the [election 2016], to me, that is the essence of the American dream.

I have always been pushed by the negative. The apparent failure of a play sends me back to my typewriter that very night, before the reviews are out. I am more compelled to get back to work than if I had a success.

A Winchester rifle should have a place of honor in every black home.