What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD