This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD