“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I appreciate the good work that senators in both parties have put into trying to fix our broken immigration system. There are some good elements in this proposal, especially increasing the resources and manpower to secure our border and also improving and streamlining legal immigration. However, I have deep concerns with the proposed path to citizenship. To allow those who came here illegally to be placed on such a path is both inconsistent with rule of law and profoundly unfair to the millions of legal immigrants who waited years, if not decades, to come to America legally.

I’m not going to die broke, but I’m not rich.

Truth always originates in a minority of one, and every custom begins as a broken precedent.

They back away from challenges. Ironically, they back themselves into the biggest problem of all … being broke, or close to it.

I broke in with four hits, and the writers promptly declared they had seen the new Ty Cobb. I

You have to go broke three times to learn how to make a living.

Osteoarthritis is a tough thing, brother. If my knee was broke, I would have had it fixed. But my situation is totally different. It’s painful as hell is all I can say.

I just save my money, man. I don’t even try to enjoy it like these other rappers; they having fun and they lit, but they gon’ be broke later on. I be savin’.