I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






