The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD -
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD