Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD