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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Rodney Dangerfield

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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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Afraid Dark Light Me Naked Saw Wife
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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Everyone Fruit Hear Met Morning Ridiculous Underwear Yet
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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Back Car Drive Want Wife

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