What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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