“My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.”

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.

But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It’s much more fun.

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…

My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’

You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!

Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”

Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

The ability to absorb a book and make someone else’s words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.

In my dreams I ate and I ate my dreams.

Fruit of all the kinds that the country produced were laid before him; he ate very little, but from time to time a liquor prepared from cocoa, and of an aphrodisiac nature.

I ate too many Frosted Flakes. I don’t remember what I said last night.

You guys make the rules up, so a foul is a foul. It doesn’t matter if a guy is bigger and stronger. It’s not my fault I ate my Frosted Flakes when I was little, and you ate Wheaties.

A panda walks into a tea room and ordered a salad and ate it. Then it pulled out a pistol, shot the man in the next table dead, and walked out.

Since Eve ate the apple, much depends on dinner.

I knew if I ate anything of hers again, it would lkely tell me the same message: help me,

But if there was a mini-comic here in my hand, I’d read it while I ate my lunch.