One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
ALAN KINGMilton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
More Alan King Quotes
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Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn’t know fluffy. Everything sank.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.
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The ability to absorb a book and make someone else’s words and story your own was exactly was I was doing on stage.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
ALAN KING






