“The other day my house caught fire.”

I was a high school throw-out.

My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.

I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.

My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.

My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?

There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

I’m only… I’m only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I’m a… I’m just screaming all over the place with joy.

The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.

An old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.

When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’

Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.