I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
ALAN KINGMarriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
More Alan King Quotes
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
ALAN KING






