Time wounds all heels.
GROUCHO MARXWho says Television isn’t educational, as soon as the T.V. comes on I read a book.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
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I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
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The only real laughter comes from despair.
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If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
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Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances.
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Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
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Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.
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Once I put it down I couldn’t pick it back up.
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In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat.
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Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
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If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second.
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
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Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX -
Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
GROUCHO MARX -
She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.
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Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX -
I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
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Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
GROUCHO MARX