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Any place I hang my head is home.

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The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.
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If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
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I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
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From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
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Humour is reason gone mad.
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Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy
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I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed.
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All geniuses die young.
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If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
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My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.
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