Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT