When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHT






