“Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.”

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Its all in the mind, you know.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it’s meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.

In the human race today, you came last.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don’t want you singing at my funeral.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

It is better to have a prosaic husband and to take a romantic lover.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

Substantial progress toward better things can rarely be taken without developing new evils requiring new remedies.

Radio, which was a much better medium than television will ever be, was easy and pleasant to listen to. Your mind filled automatically with images.

There’s always a better word than a swear word.

The man who fights for his fellow-man is a better man than the one who fights for himself.

It’s easier to go down a hill than up it but the view is much better at the top.

It is my art. I am better at it than I ever was. And I will do it as long as I can. When you reach a certain age you can slough off what is unnecessary and concentrate on what is. And why not?