“I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)”

Its all in the mind, you know.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it’s meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.

In the human race today, you came last.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don’t want you singing at my funeral.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.

There is no disease, bodily or mental, which adoption of vegetable diet, and pure water has not infallibly mitigated, wherever the experiment has been fairly tried.

Anger, ego, jealousy are the biggest diseases, Keep yourself aloof from these three diseases.

Illness and problems are the specialties of life. But the death of a child is a cause of mental agony which can be overcome if one concedes this world to be a stage or stadium wherein praiseworthy are those who are not proud of their achievement and those who do not cry at their defeat.

There is no shame in having a mental illness. Where you fall short is not a direct reflection of who you are.

Terrorism is the symptom, not the disease.

We all have private ails. The troublemakers are they who need public cures for their private ails.

Progress is a comfortable disease.

The sick in soul insist that it is humanity that is sick, and they are the surgeons to operate on it. They want to turn the world into a sickroom. And once they get humanity strapped to the operating table, they operate on it with an ax.