“And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.”

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush.

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

A lot of learning can be a little thing.

If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

If you kill me, I promise you – you will never take me alive.

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

Only on the third class tourist class passengers’ deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.

God made night, But man made darkness.