“Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.”

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Its all in the mind, you know.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it’s meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.

In the human race today, you came last.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don’t want you singing at my funeral.

Now, occasionally I will still have that quarter pounder because I love fast food, but you have to keep it to a minimum.

I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion.

One cannot be avenged for every wrong; according to the occasion, everyone who knows how, must use temperance.

The man who cannot occasionally imagine events and conditions of existence that are contrary to the causal principle as he knows it will never enrich his science by the addition of a new idea.

It often happens that, if a lie be believed only for an hour, it has done its work, and there is no further occasion for it.

The discovery of America was the occasion of the greatest outburst of cruelty and reckless greed known in history.

All occasions invite His mercies, and all times are His seasons.

You have been compelled to cultivate your reflective faculties, for want of occasions for frittering your life away in silly trifles.