“Room service? Send up a larger room.”

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.

If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy

If a man owes me money, I never seem to forget. But if I do the owing, I somehow never remember.

With my sunglasses on, I’m Jack Nicholson. Without them, I’m fat and 60.

There’s only two people in your life you should lie to… the police and your girlfriend.

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

If this be treason, make the most of it!

It’s funny: I don’t listen to too much rap. I don’t listen to too much older hip-hop. If I do, it’s Ja Rule.

It was funny if you looked at it right quick, but it got pitiful if you thought about it awhile.

I find very often that very ugly women have really handsome men and vice versa because they don’t have any competition. Sometimes handsome men have avoided me.