“We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.”

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy

Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

Once I put it down I couldn’t pick it back up.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Time wounds all heels.

There’s always gonna be setbacks; there’s always gonna be knockdowns. There’s always gonna be people telling you, Hey, you suck!

A bitch is a bitch but a dog is a mans best friend

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.

Fashion is made to become unfashionable.

Because of humour we are less overwhelmed by the vicissitudes of life.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

I ran like a cheetah – well, like a cheetah that smoked too much.