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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.

W. C. Fields

I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself
I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
W. C. FIELDS

Habit Mad Myself Weird
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS

Age Food Myself Need
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Money Myself Wild Woman
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Danger Man Place World
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS

Deep Reality Tragedy
You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS

Enough Fools Live People Time Yourself
I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Food Myself
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.

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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.

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