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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.

W. C. Fields

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS

Believe Empty Food Myself Weird
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS

Togetherness Travel
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Home
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. FIELDS

Need Quit Stupidity Time
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Hope Life Lost
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.

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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.

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