black
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

W. C. Fields

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Funny Wings
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDS

Gift Ignorance Peace Prayer Wisdom
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself
I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Food Myself
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

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