If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDSStart every day off with a smile and get it over with.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS