Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDSStart every day off with a smile and get it over with.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS