“Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.”

Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.

I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.

I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.

I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.

My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.

My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.

I’m not the guy with the enormous comedy nose or the big feet or the bad posture or the whatever; a physical comic has certain things.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.

Wendy Malick and Valerie Bertinelli make fun of me, but I take care of my health – I don’t abuse it.

Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren’t about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that.

More than an adult comedy, ‘Great Grand Masti’ is a naughty horror comedy, more on the lines of ‘Masti.’

I like comedies, I like thrillers, I like love stories. Everything is beautiful; it depends if the film is good, who cares? Everything is interesting.

Comedy is a very approval-oriented field.