Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
TIM ALLENAll men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?
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Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
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My stepfather stepped in where no man would’ve stepped in – six kids, five of them boys – and that’s heroic.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
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I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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