Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
TIM ALLENMy comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
More Tim Allen Quotes
-
-
I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
TIM ALLEN -
Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
TIM ALLEN -
My stepfather stepped in where no man would’ve stepped in – six kids, five of them boys – and that’s heroic.
TIM ALLEN -
For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
TIM ALLEN -
I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
TIM ALLEN -
I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I’ll do it because it’s a moment that will stick with me forever.
TIM ALLEN -
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
TIM ALLEN -
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
TIM ALLEN -
I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
TIM ALLEN -
In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
TIM ALLEN -
The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
TIM ALLEN -
I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
TIM ALLEN -
I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.
TIM ALLEN -
Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
TIM ALLEN -
To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
TIM ALLEN -
My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
TIM ALLEN -
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
TIM ALLEN -
Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
TIM ALLEN -
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
TIM ALLEN -
Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
TIM ALLEN -
I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
TIM ALLEN -
Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
TIM ALLEN -
Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
TIM ALLEN -
My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
TIM ALLEN -
Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
TIM ALLEN -
I have a thing for tools.
TIM ALLEN