Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
TIM ALLENYou don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
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A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
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My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.
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Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
TIM ALLEN