I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
TIM ALLENYou don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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My stepfather stepped in where no man would’ve stepped in – six kids, five of them boys – and that’s heroic.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
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I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
TIM ALLEN