Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
TIM ALLENI’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
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My stepfather stepped in where no man would’ve stepped in – six kids, five of them boys – and that’s heroic.
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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I have a thing for tools.
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I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
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I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.
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They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
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The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
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I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.
TIM ALLEN