My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
TIM ALLENI am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I do a lot of family shows.
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I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.
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I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
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A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad’s car. I don’t blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don’t have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
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I have a thing for tools.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
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Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.
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I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?
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Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
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