The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
TIM ALLENDog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad’s car. I don’t blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don’t have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
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Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
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But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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I have a thing for tools.
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