Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
TIM ALLENWhen you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
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Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.
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They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
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If you don’t decide where you’re going, life will decide for you.
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In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can’t leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We’re just obnoxious.
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.
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I’m a very bad student, but a great learner.
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Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.
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Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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