You don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
TIM ALLENI used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It’s best to keep him busy.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
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I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I’ll do it because it’s a moment that will stick with me forever.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
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Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
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Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.
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My stepfather stepped in where no man would’ve stepped in – six kids, five of them boys – and that’s heroic.
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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I think there’s a percentage that don’t realize, that don’t know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It’s more of a it’s not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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