Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
TIM ALLENFor years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.
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When somebody tells you they’re not very smart, they’re saying exactly the opposite.
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
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I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)
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I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
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I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It’s not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I’ll do it because it’s a moment that will stick with me forever.
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When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
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I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
TIM ALLEN